The Postman Always Rings Twice

Remember I said that on my return from holiday some good news was waiting? (What? Yes, that opening sentence is a gratuitous reminder that I’ve just had a short story published. Your point?)

Well,  yin and yang . . .  darkness and light . . .  good cop, bad cop .  .  . because around the same time, I also received this:

Notice of Intended Prosecution – Exceeding 50 MPH Speed Limit

Included in all the paperwork was a list of excuses that would NOT be accepted (pretty sure they never used to do that back in Canada) . Here’s a few of them:

I was only speeding because:

I was unfamiliar with the road.

the children were distracting me. (oh yeah, been there, although not this time)

The road was clear/it was late/it was early morning. (aka the every excuse in the book excuse)

I was late. (which is true – for Missie’s end of year concert)

I have a clean driving licence. (which is was also true)

I didn’t know about the speed cameras.

See it’s that last one that really gets me. It was a mobile van with a massive lens sticking out the back like a gun on a tank turret. My thought process?

Oh please don’t let me be late for the concert . . . shit, do I have the camera?. . . I’m hungry. . . I hope they serve tea after. . . is that a speed camera? . . .a biscuit to go with the tea would be nice too . . . did I take the pasta sauce out of the freezer? Yeah, that’s a speed camera. Oh shit! That was a speed camera!

Never mind slow reflexes – mine are dead. 

On the bright side, this is my first speeding ticket in England. It’s official, people – I’ve arrived! And, well ahead of time at the speed I was doing . . .

Speed demon or Sunday driver? Reflexes like a cat or ready for a catnap?

27 thoughts on “The Postman Always Rings Twice

  1. Aw, so sorry you got busted. Someone once told me a great story of how they were speeding and got stopped on the highway. When the officer approached the car, this person rolled down their window and said, “Yes, I’d like a Big Mac with an order of fries, please.” They said the cop was so caught off guard that they let them off without a ticket. Even if it’s fiction, I still love it.

    I’m definitely a speed demon but I try to control it, especially since I’m a Mom transporting little ones. One day, though, watch out. I’ll be on the racetrack, for sure.

  2. This is the time of year when the police hide behind schools and leap out to remind you that school is now in session, so the special speed limits will be enforced and, oh, yeah, fines are doubled in school zones. And then they call you an ambulance for your heart attack and let you off with a warning, this time.

    No, I’ve never done this. Okay, once. And the worst part is, I had to agree — it was a criminally dumb thing to do.

  3. What a list they have! I love your thought process because of course that is EXACTLY what one would be thinking. I even find myself sometimes making up original reasons, just in case. In fact just yesterday I had to take my husband to the airport and, on the way home, saw a cop across the way. My excuse: “I have a sick puppy at home. Here’s her picture, see! Isn’t she precious? And she’s suffering. Maybe you could lead me home?”

    Hey, it can’t hurt. Preparedness. And shamelessness.

  4. I’m sorry about the ticket, that sucks! Life is not at all like Monopoly. You only get fines and tickets and never win $$ at beauty pageants. (Speaking for myself, of course, maybe you do.)

    Once, in rural BC, a cop pulled over my rusty Honda, My boyfriend was driving, and he told me to keep quiet, but I leaned over and said to the nice officer that we hadn’t seen the small town’s speed limit because we were “engrossed in conversation.”

    He let us off with a warning. I think sometimes they consider the state of the vehicle, but I also like to imagine he admired me using the word “engrossed.”

  5. Rural cops are the best. I was pulled over by the RCMP once in outport Newfoundland and managed to talk my way out of a speeding ticket. Sadly, even beauty pageant winners (which I am not) would find it hard to sway an inanimate object like a speed camera – even with the use of words like engrossed.

    • Great story, Bobbi. I know, we can swap careers – you become a lawyer and I’ll become a shrink.

      PS One of my all time wishes as a lawyer was to scream in the middle of a cross examination “YOU WANT THE TRUTH? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!” Sadly, that wish never came true…

  6. Oh, bloody hell.
    You know those speed minimums they put on the highways? Yeah, those are for me. I love to drive, and frankly it relaxes me so much that I often just cruise around like a blue-hair with a full stomach.

  7. I made it to age 45 before I got my first speeding ticket, cruising down a country road in Central Texas at about 80 mph. Had me dead to rights. I had to send in my money etc. to the Justice of Peace c/o the local Exxon station. You gotta love small town Texas.

  8. Oh, Downith, that’s a drag. You crack me up, you know because your train of thought is so familiar. My first moving violation was at the age of 42 or 43 and was for speeding in a school zone. When the officer flagged me over, I honestly didn’t know what he was stopping me for. He asked where I was coming from and I told him from dropping my husband off at work at the high school down the street. The officer pointed at the flashing school zone sign hanging over the road. Oh.

  9. hold up

    they give you a list of excuses that won’t work?

    does that mean that if you come up with something not on the list, they’ll consider it? hmmmmm

  10. Would you believe the speed cameras are stationary in Finland with signs announcing there’s going to be a speed camera somewhere in the not too distant future and people still get tickets?! Sorry, but laughing, laughing, laughing. Hope it’s not too expensive.

  11. Speed demon. We only a very few of those cameras around or I’d be screwed. I am big on the parking tickets though.

    By the way, I haven’t come around here in a while (was off in novel land) so I missed the news about your story. Many congrats!

  12. Sorry about the ticket. All the fancy coffee you could have for the cost of that fine. Congratulations on the story. I haven’t read it yet. I’ll be back to you on it. And good to hear someone else, besides me, has to think on a trip, “Did I pass the side road to wherever yet?

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